I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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