On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
