How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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