No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
