if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize