Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
