eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
