He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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