hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no you cant smoke seaweed
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
