I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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