Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
