Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
