There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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