i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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