The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
