this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
