I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize