remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
