I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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