Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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