Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
