I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
