I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize