just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
