Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
