Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
