so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
