don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
