i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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