I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
