i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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