I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
