My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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