i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
handjob tips. give me some.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize
