Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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