so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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