so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
