Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
