fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
