ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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