OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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