I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
