I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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