peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
