I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
