oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
