he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
