Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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