I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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