Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
