Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
