omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
