the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
