I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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