Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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