If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you win again, gameday.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
