I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
