It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
