2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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