I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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