Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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