are you so shy because you have an std?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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