I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I looked at my own cervix.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
